


It's Just Wrong

by 8_regret



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, F/F, Homophobia, Hurt, Internalized Homophobia, One Shot, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 06:50:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18360839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8_regret/pseuds/8_regret
Summary: Peridot had allowed Lapis to stay the night.When she wakes up during the middle of the night, she starts to regret it.





	It's Just Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> Turned from a simple idea I had in biology to whatever this is.  
> I'm very proud of the beginning of this, but I do feel like the ending is rushed.  
> Very sorry for any spelling mistakes.

Peridot awakens from her sleep, vision blurry, eyes unfocused, her senses going all over the place. It’s dark outside, and she can feel someone laying in the bed to her. Ever so softly, Peridot slowly brings her arm to feel around her.

Her fingers touch hair, then eyes, and a nose. It takes Peridot a second, but she quickly retracts her hands, as she hears the person softly goan, shifting around.

Peridot had forgotten that she had let Lapis stay the night.

Anxiety starts to run through Peridot's body. Her eyes adjust to the darkness of the room, the moon shining through the open window, providing a small amount of light, but just enough for Peridot to see the shape of another body laying on the other side of her bed.  

Peridot slowly gets out of the bed, careful not to wake up the other women, and finds herself rushing to her front door.

She opens the door, and goes outside. The moon shines down, giving Peridot the light needed to see what's in front of her. Trees being blown by the light wind, the sounds of a few animals, hunting at night, the occasional owl.

Peridot thinks about the other women in bed, and she curses at herself.

She curses at herself, because she let Lapis Lazuli, the person who had been nothing but trouble, stay the night. She curses at herself, because the women will tease her about this night for years to come, implying that yes, Peridot really does have a thing for her.

Peridot shutters at that thought. She doesn't like women. She can't. Sooner or later, a man will come into her life and sweep her off her feet. It just… hasn't happened yet.

Peridot goes back inside, and back into her room. She sees Lapis’ figure on the bed, and that she has moved around a little, now sleeping on her back. Peridot sighs, and carefully climbs back in. She is practically on the edge of her bed; one wrong turn and she falls on the floor.

“Where did you go?” a voice asks. Peridot jumps, and she actually almost falls. She snaps her head and looks at Lapis, her eyes meeting bright blue eyes, filled with an emotion she has never seen before.

Peridot can feel her cheeks heat up, and she looks away from Lapis, “I just… needed some fresh air,” she mutters. Peridot can feel Lapis’ eyes burn a hole through her face.

Lapis shifts in bed, and soon, Peridot feels a head against her chest.

It's funny. Peridot is the shorter of the two, and yet here they are, Lapis most likely having her legs hanging off the bed just to be in this position.

Her hair tickles Peridot's chin, and she moves her head a little. There's something growing inside her chest, and Peridot's body fills with anxiety once again. Deep inside, she enjoys this moment, but her mind is screaming for Lapis to get off her. Screaming for Lapis fucking Lazuli to get out of her house, to never come back into her life, because she makes Peridot feel these feelings that aren't allowed.

Feelings that are just… wrong.

...Right?

“Lapis…” Peridot starts, looking away from the tuft of hair that sits on her chest. “What is it?” she hears the other girl say. Maybe she can hear how fast her heart is beating.

Peridot doesn't answer, and Lapis moves away for Peridot, sitting up on the bed, “Peridot are you okay?” she asks, the concern clear in her voice. Peridot follows the movement that Lapis just did, and now the two sit on the bed, the silence deafening.

“Lapis I have to tell you something,” Peridot manages to croak out. She can feel herself shaking. What is she doing? Why did she say that? She doesn't know what to say to the other girl.

“What is it? Peri, you know you can tell me anything,” Lapis says, placing her hand on Peridot’s thigh. The touch burns her skin, but Peridot ignores it. She looks behind Lapis, her eyes on the wall behind her.

“Nothing is wrong. I'm just… not in the right mental state. I'll be fine in the morning. I promise,” Peridot says, more to herself than to the other women in the room.

Lapis doesn't seem convinced, because she places a hand on Peridot’s face, moving it ever so slightly so they make eye contact, green eyes meeting blue eyes. Concern is written all over her eyes. Her face.

The touch burns much more than the touch on the thigh, but Peridot doesn't move it. She lets her hand linger on her face, not realizing that she's leaning into the touch. Lapis lets Peridot do so, as she thinks she needs it.

“Tell me what's wrong,” Lapis says, her voice almost a whisper. Peridot looks down, towards her own legs. This whole situation feels so wrong. Peridot shouldn't be enjoying the touches that Lapis is giving her. It's just wrong.

Tears threaten to flow out of Peridot's eyes, and she doesn't try to stop them. The moment seems so unreal, but here they are, Lapis and Peridot sitting together on Peridot's bed, Peridot crying because of her _stupid_ feelings for the girl in front of her. The feelings that have been growing ever since she first saw her.

Peridot can feel Lapis remove her hand, but the touch still burns her face. The tears continue to fall, landing on the clean sheets. Peridot wipes her eyes, apologizing one too many times. She can feel Lapis stare at her, unsure of what to do.

Peridot feels Lapis pull her into a hug, and more tears start flowing out. Everywhere where Lapis touches burns, and Peridot cries into her shoulder, staining her blue shirt with tears. They sit like that, Lapis running her hand through Peridot's air, rubbing her other hand against her back, whispering to her that she's going to be okay, that whatever is on her mind will go away.

Lapis’ words don't help her, as the women herself was on Peridot's mind. The fact that she was thinking such _inappropriate_ thoughts about her. The fact that Lapis is making her feel this way. The fact that Lapis Lazuli is causing such an internal conflict for her, and she doesn't know what to do with it.

The tears had slowed down, and Peridot sniffs. She wipes her eyes once again, and looks at Lapis’ nose, wanting to avoid eye contact. She wants to talk, but she just can't find the words to use.

“Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?” Lapis whispers, and Peridot's breaths in. Her entire body trembles, and she slowly looks up at Lapis’ eyes. The moon shines right on her face, lighting up her eyes, and Peridot can see the moon on them.

“Especially during the night,” Lapis continues, “The moon lights up your face, and the darkness just makes you look so cute. I really hope you know that”.

Peridot stares at Lapis, her body shaking so much, “Lapis no…” Peridot starts, “Please… don't say that… it's.. it's bad. It's bad for me”.

There is a look of confusion on Lapis’ face, and she places her hand on Peridot’s face once again. Peridot sighs, “Lapis… I uh.. look. I really like you. I really, really like you. B-but I can't! I'm _not_ supposed to like you! I'm supposed to like men! And you're not a man! You are another women, and it's just all wrong!”

Peridot quickly shuts up, placing both of her hands over her mouth. She looks down, turning away from Lapis. She can hear her heart beating rapidly throughout her entire body, but somehow, Lapis’ breathing is louder.

“Peridot,” she hears from behind her, “Do you.. do you really feel like that?”

It's clear in Lapis’ voice that she's hurt, and Peridot wants to sob. She did this. She hurt Lapis Lazuli.

Maybe she deserves it, after all the times she had hurt Peridot.

She starts sobbing.

“Peridot look at me. Let's talk about this,” Lapis says, desperation in her voice, “Do you really feel like you should be with a man? It doesn't matter who you want to be with! I like you too Peridot, but you saying that you're supposed to like men hurts!”

Peridot sobs louder, her mind racing with so many different thoughts. She wants these feelings to go away. She wants Lapis to go away. She wants to act like this never happened, that Lapis had never came into her life and made her start thinking these thoughts.

“I was constantly told that… liking people the same gender as me was bad, Lapis. I grew up… believing those words. I was told over and over again that I should find a nice man who I would do all these things for”.

Lapis is silent, wanting to know the reason behind Peridot’s internalized homophobia.

Her tears had slowed down, but her heart was still racing, “When I got older, I realized that it was stupid, the things I was always told. But deep down, I've always told myself that… I'm not gay. I'm straight, and I just haven't found the man for me.

“Then… you came into my life. From the moment I saw you, these feelings grew inside of me. I've always denied them, as they were just… _stupid._ But deep inside of me, I knew I just had feelings for you. And now, here I am, so fucking conflicted, because I _want_ to be with you, but I can't bring myself to _admit_ it”.

There's a silence in the room, and Peridot hates it. She hates it so much, because she just wants Lapis to say something. She wants Laps to do something, but she also doesn't.

“Peridot…” Lapis whispers, and Peridot can hear the sadness in her voice, “I can help you through this. I know that it'll be hard to get over this internalized homophobia that you have, but I know you can do it. We'll just… take baby steps”.

Peridot turns to look at Lapis, and sees tears running down her face. Peridot’s heart just breaks. She caused this. All this hurt.

“Lapis no… I don't want to. I want to be with you, so bad, but I _can't._ Your presence alone just freaks me out, and I can't do anything about it. Just…” Peridot whispers, but she can't finish her sentence.

Lapis places both of her hands on Peridot's face, and the burning sensation is back. They look at each other, but avoid eyes. Tears fall into the sheets, leaving stains.

They sit like that, and Peridot places her hands above of Lapis’. Her body screams at her to stop, her hands feel like that they're going to burn to her bones.

She pushes Lapis’ hands away, and turns away, “Please stop… I can't deal with this. It's just too much. I'll pretend that it never-”

She got cut off, because Lapis decided to kiss her.

Her entire body screams, and she shakes vigorously. She sits there, shaking so much that the bed moves, then pushes Lapis away from her. Tears are sudden, her mouth is dry, and her lips are absolutely hurting.

“Peridot… I'm.. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking stupid. I didn't mean to do that!”

Peridot ignores Lapis, and places her hands over her mouth. Lapis’ lips had been so soft against hers. There was the faint taste of pizza, and her lips are chapped.

“P-please. Leave in the morning. Just… leave me alone,” Peridot finds herself saying, choking out the words. Lapis looks at her, tears in her eyes, “Peridot _please_. I didn't mean it! I wasn't thinking! I'll never do it again, I swe-”

“ _Get out!”_ she practically yells, her voice harsh and hoarse. The tears are nasty, clouding her vision.

Lapis sits there, frozen on the bed. Peridot looks away, looking down at her legs. She feels weight shifting next to her, and she can hear the sound of Lapis crying as she gets off the bed.

Peridot cries as she listens to Lapis gather her things in the room. Peridot regrets the words she said as she hears the door open, the words “I'm sorry,” coming out from the women, then close.

Peridot is sobbing when she hears the front door open and close.

She lays back down in bed, her body calming down, her mind telling her that the women who caused these inappropriate thoughts is finally gone, that she'll find a man one day and she'll never see her again.

Peridot eventually calms down, as she occasionally sniffs. She can still smell Lapis on the pillow next to her; she can still feel her head against her chest, her hands against her thigh and face, and she tries her best to ignore it.

She can't.

Peridot had drove the only one who could, and _would,_ help her away.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, no continuation


End file.
